Standing in the security line that needed to be championed before I could reach my departure gate I noticed some rather peculiar people. A woman who looked strait out of the 60s and her “Cambridge-esque” husband stood with their son, his wife and their baby. They talked rather slowly and strangely, and I envisioned the four of them pulling the lever for Hilary Clinton within the next year. I passed through the security detail with ease, which surprised me considering I was carrying the sleep apnea machine on my shoulder.
What worked in my favor was probably the fact that the TSA attendant responsible for monitoring the X-Ray screen was cursing under his breath at the liberal quartet who seemed to be oblivious of modern day travel laws and customs. First, Papa Dem had no idea that he was supposed to take his dinosaur of a laptop out of its case for inspection. Then the entire family had giant bottles of shampoo and conditioner in their bags that needed to be confiscated. Next, the half empty bottles of water affixed to the side of their knapsacks needed to be emptied. Finally the entire brigade talked with one another rather than collect their belongings at the end of the ramp, causing a carry-on pileup involving a stroller, car seat, four backpacks, two purses and two laptop bags which extended the entire 15 feet of rolling counter after the X-ray machine.
After the family had left the area, my belongings came along the conveyor belt to me and I retrieved them. I made my way to the gate, and strolled up to the ticket counter to make sure that I was receiving the 10,500 miles for this trip. In front of me stood Momma Dem in her hippie garb and Diane Keaton-like glasses. Her balding husband visited her in line on occasion with his backpack fastened unto his back with enough clips and carabineers to support an entire seasons worth of Everest climbers. The ticket agent took her sweet time coming to the counter, as the line behind me continued to grow.
They made an announcement about seating assignments. An overweight Asian boy stood next to me with showing off his gut underneath his black “Video Game Live” tee shirt. His annoying mother soon came to him wondering why he hadn’t gotten his seat assignment, and he explained to her the announcement that had been given earlier. She paid no attention to her geek squad son, whose lip was quivering in frustration so much that the sparse black wiry hairs of an unshaven upper lip moved like heads of grain in the wind.
Momma Dem was visited once again by her husband and her daughter-in-law. Finally her son came over with the baby. This was the first time I saw the child up close, and it had to be one of the worst looking babies I had ever seen in my life. She wasn’t so much ugly as she was scary looking. Like something that may be featured in a horror movie about vampires. It didn’t help matters that the only teeth that she had were two canines that made her look like she had nothing but fangs. He handed the baby off to his wife and reached into his backpack for a Tupperware container. He dipped a plastic spoon into it and retrieved a large spoonful of what appeared to be strawberry jam. If that wasn’t strange enough, he then proceeded to give a spoonful to his mother then his father, feeding it to them as though they were his own baby daughter. Mom asked for a second helping and he obliged. At this point I was giving them a strange look that screamed “you are officially the weirdest people I have ever seen”. I hoped they saw my look, and they would think long and hard about any future action they would take, at least in my presence.
I got he answer to my mileage question, and waited to bored the plane, trying to stay as far away from the Dem Family as possible. As I boarded the plane I passed the mother of the vampire child who was explaining that her car seat should go under the plane. The baggage handler explained that only strollers and wheelchairs can go under the plane and be delivered to the gate upon arrival in Chicago. She argued with him about how they let her do it last time, to which he gave her a look that showed he was sarcastically apologetic and sincerely annoyed. I took my seat, a rock hard cushion in between two other men, and began my book. As uncomfortable as the chair was it was nothing in comparison my last few flight experiences from Cincinnati to Manchester and from São Paulo to Newark. Despite the circumstances, I managed to get a few minutes sleep here and there which made the flight go by faster.
Two hours later I was in Chicago's O’Hare Airport. One watching my plane disembark probably though that the freak show has pulled in to town headlined by the Vampire Baby, Hippie Brigade and Geeky Asian. I was more than happy to leave this motley crew and make my way to the international terminal. I did my best at re-establishing some sort of organizational skill by creating checklists of things that needed to be accomplished over the next few weeks. My dad called for the last time before my cell phone went on a three week vacation into the bowels of my carry-on bag.
I boarded the plane and found my seat. Expecting a full flight, I turned around to see no one behind me. Everyone else in the main cabin expressed surprise too. I thought the man in front of me was going to cry with happiness due to the fact he did not spend the extra $110 to upgrade to United Airline’s Economy Plus, which offered a generous 5 inches of leg room for the bargain price of $22 per inch. Now the man had an entire row to , as did I. Now I was kicking myself that I had opted for an aisle seat in the center section, which is best for a full flight due to the possibility of only one person having to climb over you to visit the rest room. A window section would be better for an empty flight though due to the comfort and back support that could be obtained by simply resting against the window.
I made due with what I had. Dinner consisted of a United Airlines pasta dish, which was a pasta sampler of sorts offering you one piece of every type of pasta you could possibly imagine, one manicotti, one stuff shell, one tortellini, one ziti, one rigatoni, one nioki, and one string each of linguine, spaghetti and angel hair. My meal was soon finished and I was doing my best to catch up on all the blogs that I had neglected to complete in the past. After bruising my teeth and finishing another short story in my book, I attempted to get comfortable, but turbulence caused the captain to put the “fasten seat belt sign” on, and a cranky flight attendant proceeded to wake everyone up to make sure they had their buckle on under the blanket they were wrapped snugly in. This procedure took place several times over the next few hours, until I finally found a comfortable sleeping position that displayed my seat belt proudly over my blanket for anyone who wished to see.
After a short nap I awoke when another flight attendant dropped a boxed breakfast on one of my three tray tables. I scoffed down the 6 grapes, 2 pieces of pineapple and microscopic croissant quickly and retreated to the bathroom to brush my teeth. By 9:30 we were in a landing in São Paulo. It was here that I would meet up with Paul, Patty and their family, but first I had to clear customs and collect my baggage, which I prayed was still taped up tight…
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